xochitl: (gun)
[personal profile] xochitl
If you are considering buying a new Canon printer, or if you see a sweet deal on a Canon printer (particularly in the Pixma line),

They do not work. Or, actually, they do, and then mysteriously just stop. They're like teenagers. They do not want to have conversations with the master computer. No. Not now, not in twenty minutes before The Simpsons are on, not tomorrow morning when they're holed up under the deepest darkest covers of despairing black because you just don't understand, okay? You can push their buttons, take away their mobiles, cut off allowances, and they still won't budge. Remove power supplies. Let them cool down. Invite them out for a beer. Threaten them with reprogramming by axe. Nothing works.

It's a rare event that I consciously consider enacting the verb defenestration.

What makes this worse is that Canon tech support is as supportive as twenty-year old briefs with more holes than fabric, as supportive as that missing curb you totally misjudged on your way across the street and will now be jamming your kidney into your lung from the jolt, as supportive as the mom of the Texas cheerleader who is your rival in becoming high school team captain.

Yes, I do believe there is malicious intent in Canon support. I suppose these miseries of the human condition must get their jollies somewhere. Remind me to tell you about the interior panels of a 1988 Ford Escort station wagon sometime. Similar story, but funnier, and less inconvenient.

Me: "Hi, I'd like a manual."

Canon: "Sure, click here."

Me: [click]

Canon: Welcome to the onscreen quick guide. Here's your driver. Bye!

Me: "I fail to see a manual anywhere, you bleeding pustules on the rectum of humanity. I clearly recall not at all asking for a driver."

Canon: "Was this helpful? Let us know!"

Me: "You're clearly not listening."

Canon: "Thanks for your feedback!"

Me: [sigh] "Hi. I would like a bloody manual, preferrably one with a stupid troubleshooting chart at the back like you find in most sensible peripheral documentation."

Canon: "Sure! Click here!"

Me: [wary of this trick, but stupidly hopreful] [click]

Canon: "Here's the quickstart guide, but not online! It's a PDF! Yes indeedy!"

Me: [expecting the worst] [click]

Canon: [failed download]

Canon: [failed download]

Canon: [failed download]

Canon: [failed download]

Canon: [failed download]

Me: [right-click save-target-as]

Canon: [successful download]

Me: [frothing a bit less]

Canon Quickstart PDF: "Hi, welcome to the same five-page piece of crap in eighteen languages which means you just blew 7MB worth of download on a document of which you only required 1/18 (or 2/9, since you read Spanish, too) of its content on a network that does actually tally up your bandwidth usage, punitively!"

Me: "Motherfuckers."

Canon Quickstart PDF: "Okay so you download your driver from, like, here and then you install it according to the, like, instructions, unless you got the CD-ROM with your original purchase so instead you just totally use that, okay, like, and then if you used the CD which we actually don't include in most boxes because some line manager named Rita got totally sick of us not properly paying her W2 deductions because even we can't keep our products working correctly in our own corporate offices so we're in the middle of a switch to Xerox and oh, hey, you know, our cameras at least are totally kick-ass and now we're at the end of your 5 pages with no troubleshooting section, because, you know, it's totally a part of the CD-ROM install and it'll be sitting right there on your desktop answering all of your questions and no it's not available online for no fathomable reason."

Me: [suffering a Lewis Black-like apoplectic aneurysm of rage]

So, I've got a printer that is recognized by the computer, but who refuses to listen to the computer--even for a paltry ink level check. A useless paperweight, which is even more useless since there are no printouts to keep from flying away in the late evening breeze.

This is far more than a two-minutes-hate, y'all.

So, yeah. Just saying. Don't buy Canon. Your sanity is worth it.
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March 2010

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