"The time has come," the Walrus said...

"...to talk of many things..."

Not quite, but sort of.

After losing my most recent job, I started thinking A LOT, as most people do when they lose a job. You get introspective, you start looking for reasons why certain things went they way they did, you start looking for flaws in yourself, looking for those warning signs you missed.

I'm doing a whole lot of looking, and it's not pretty.

I'm in the middle of this crisis of self. It sounds trite when I write it. But do I really know what I want to do with my life? In an online game, I created an engineer. On a very recent post he was asked to recite his credentials, so I did a little research and looked up the MIT website.

This was a mistake.

Over a decade ago, I came to New York for college, thinking all the while I'd get myself a BS in Astrophysics. Little scientist me, you know? But in that first year, I noticed I wrote stuff for fun and hung out with all kinds of sci-fi fantasy folks and theater majors and film majors. So higher math and I had a long talk. And higher math said, "Look. I'm not impossible for you to master. But it will take you a lot of work. And see how you keep hanging out with all those creative types, and you write stories for fun? I want you to think about that, okay?"

For a long time I knew, in my heart, that the path I'd taken (writer, editor, etc.) was the best one; that I was here because this was the place I needed to be, that I was best suited for. But now I'm not so sure. Part of it is that my self-confidence has been shattered by the recent firing. Part of it is the kind of soul searching that goes on when you find yourself in a crisis, and you're not seeing many ways out.

I have always been lazy. My mom, when I was younger, kept me from slacking--she wouldn't accept it. But instead of taking these things to heart, these habits and patterns of behavior, what did I do? I looked forward to the day I'd be free to run my own life--eat ice cream whenever I wanted, so to speak.

And boy have I f*cked up.

If I had actually worked hard in college, I might have a science degree. I might actually be working for NASA or the European Space Agency. I might be doing ongoing research at SUNY Stonybrook (a hotbed of physics goodness).

But I'm not. I'm on the dole with a sh!tty work record and a degree that is quite impressive, but which I haven't used at all.

It's because I don't want to do the work. I want things to be easy, like they were in school. I want things to solve themselves, because I'm so damn cool. I've been in NYC for over 10 years now, but apparently I've never quite acclimated to being a tiny fish in a huge ocean.

My faith in my editorial abilities is toast. A lot of that is my fault; I suspect I've been acquiring and accumulating bad habits for years. But now, here's the thing: How do I fix this? And how do I do it without working entry-level jobs for the rest of my friggin' life?

My credit is so bad that they've invented negative ratings just for me. I can't go to school because I don't have the money and at least one loan is in default. As far as I know, that nixes me for pretty much any form of financial aid (and a whole slew of government jobs, too). And if I do go back to school, what do I study? I can go back to physics and that old, old dream of being a scientist, but I need some serious help with the math--uh-oh, that means WORK.

Am I just thinking of these things because I don't want to face the mess that I've built for myself right now?

So, needless to say, I'm in a pre-mid-life crisis. Worse things can happen to me, by far, but I'm tired and feeling incredibly useless and wasted, which usually isn't a problem (just gives me a reason for some good righteous indignation), but here's the catch: I'm the one who's made myself useless and wasted my talents.

Everyone says, to some degree or another, that I'm smart and talented and capable. And I know the economy positively bites right now, and my industry has never been all that lucrative or easy to work in. But like others have said on mailing lists that I'm on, I've got lovely qualifications that are just what nobody's looking for.

I've written an e-mail to Columbia's alumni career services, to go in for a review. I'm hoping they can help me figure some things out. Or at least make my resume a little more appealing and coherent.

But I'm in the middle of a deep dark sea, and I can't figure out if I can't find my way out because I'm waiting to be rescued, or because I really do need to take a moment to whip out the stupid map and chart out a new course (or even set myself straight on the old one).

Thank you for your patience. I needed to get this (in whatever ragged form it took) out. I'm hoping it helps.